Thoughts & feels of having a baby in a pandemic

7 Jun 2020

When the Uk announced that we were all going into lockdown due to the current COVID19 pandemic, I don’t think my baby brain (yep it’s definitely a thing) allowed any fear to really set in. My partner Max had already been in Europe when countries started to lock down, so we had actually self isolated weeks before the official lock down in the UK. Maybe this was what made it not a huge shock to me, but I also think because I was so early into pregnancy I didn’t realise the restrictions it would bring. I do want to write another post on this, but Maxwell unfortunately hasn’t been allowed into either of our scans, which is devastating and upsetting on a day which should of been filled with lots of joy. All thanks to the pandemic. We completely understand, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less that he wasn’t able to be there in the room. 
Anyway, we went into lockdown the week of our first scan when I was 13/14 weeks pregnant, so I wasn’t exactly thinking about being further along and still being isolated in our home. Heck, I wasn’t even considering how I was going to give birth at that point! I was just in our little baby bubble, having spent February without Max home so it felt like we could finally just celebrate having a baby to ourselves. Now I’m 24 weeks pregnant, my sister in law has had her baby in the pandemic, my other sister in law is having her baby soon in the pandemic and every momma I follow on insta has had theirs...I’m now thinking fuck, what if I have to have our baby whilst covid is still in full force?

I am scared. I understand that the UK are putting lockdown retreat plans into place, but honestly I really don’t think we’ll be out of this sooner then they’re planning. Everything seems a little rushed. Kids going back to school this month? Just no. I don’t support the decisions being made, despite how much I really want to be able to just go shopping for baby clothes. I don’t feel like the pandemic is slowing down because people are still unfortunately passing every day. We heard a good saying the other day, “coming out of lockdown now when we’re at it’s peak, is like moving back into a house when it’s still on fire but is starting to slow. It’s still on fire”, or something like that. I just don’t feel that we can ease out of isolation this soon, which is probably why now my anxiety has levelled up to holy hell I’m having a baby in a pandemic and I don’t know if we’re both going to be safe!

I am a top grade worrier. It’s my greatest skill (it isn’t really I have a lot to offer) so now I’m fearful of how I’m going to have my baby it’s all I can think about. Max hasn’t been able to come into our scans, our midwife appointments are over the phone at the moment, but he probably won’t be able to come when I am able to see her. So what happens if we can’t even be there when I’m in labour? 
I was having a chat with the women who performed our 20 week scan, and she said currently partners can only be in the room literally when the mother is pushing the baby out, and then they have to leave after. So the poor fathers have to rush into seeing their baby be born, on one of the happiest days of their lives and then just leave? I’m obviously just thinking of the worst scenarios of just being completely alone with the midwife in pain. No Maxwell for comfort and he’ll miss the entire experience. Like I said, I’m a top grade worrier.

I’ve got 16 weeks to go till my due date, so I do keep telling myself I am over reacting. You’d surely think by September things will have calmed down and hopefully we’ll be in a safer position as a nation. But what if we’re not? Things are very different this year for everyone and I think it has only just processed with my brain that our pregnancy is going to different too. I’m only just starting to figure out our birth plan, so hopefully this is a time where our midwife can help us a lot with what is best to do. I don’t want my partner to miss anything else. 

Putting my sudden large fear for the future aside, self isolating whilst pregnant has had its ups and downs. I’ve loved being in a baby bubble with just Max and I. It’s been nice to be able to be lazy, rubbing my baby bump and planning the nursery. All decisions have been very much just me and him! I am missing my family a lot and I do wish I could be sharing my pregnancy physically with them. My parents haven’t even seen me in person with a bump! There are a bunch of things on our to do list that we are leaving till later in hope we can do them physically in shops, with family, etc. 
I guess in a way due to the pandemic I have been able to really closely get to know the growing baby inside me, whether that be babies movements or how my body is changing. 

This post has been a giant anxiety vomit onto the internet, but I hope if you’re pregnant you understand what I mean. I hope it brings comfort if you are, that you’re not the only one feeling like this! I don’t want to be anxious or stressed, but I just cant help it when this is such a new, big thing in our lives. 

Stay calm and safe (I will too promise), J x

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(*black top was sent to me by Femmeluxe in exchange for blog and instagram content. I am always honest and transparent, great top, small fit!)